The Truth About “Fixing” Aging Parents

How do you FIX aging parents?

How do you change them? How do you make them listen to you – and really pay attention – like you know they should, even if they never did before?

Can’t they see you’re only trying to help? Can’t they accept that you’re the one who now must care . . for them? Why do they make things so hard?

How do you put aging parents back together? How do you wade into the mass of everything that’s been broken over the years – relationships, control, strength, self-esteem, certainty – and fit the pieces back where they once were when you were a child and your parents had all the answers?

(When did those answers disappear, by the way? Now there are only questions, aren’t there? And you must be the one with the answers.)

How do you make aging parents whole, when so much of what you relied on to define them has been stripped away . . when they spend far more time living in old memories than in the present reality where you make your home?

Don’t they understand that there’s nothing you can do to bring yesterday back? Why do they keep looking to you to stop time? Don’t they realize how much better things are now than they were back then?

Who are these people? And who are you now in relation to them? When did everything turn upside-down?

How do you fix aging parents?

And what is it you’re really hoping to fix? Who are you to say they’re the ones who are broken? What about you? Have you done such a great job living your life?

Then again, what is it that brought you to be the one in charge of caring?

What are you giving up to be the caregiver? How much are you giving up for these old, broken people?

You say you do it for love. What does that love mean to you? What does it demand of you? What are you looking to get in return? (Ah, now we’re getting down to it.)

Come on. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you’re a little selfish. When it comes right down to it, that’s what we all are. Some of us hide it better than others, though.

It doesn’t mean you don’t love THEM. It just means you recognize that YOU need and deserve to get a little of that love too.

Does caring for them make you feel better about you? Is there a payback here? Or, is it truly a matter of love?

You know that caring for your aging parents won’t free your soul, right? It won’t make up for being too busy . . too concerned with your own stuff over the years . . to help them deal with theirs …………………. when was that?

How often did they ask for just a little of your precious time? . . a little more time with the grandchildren? . . a little more of them talking and you …………….. quiet, listening?  And what did you give in response? Ahhh, yes. Now you remember.

In any case, caring for aging parents doesn’t fix a thing. Only you can do that.

How do you fix aging parents?

How do you still their fears of what may lie ahead? How do you say it will all be alright, when you’re not  sure you believe that yourself . . particularly now with the economy and health care in the states they’re in?

Do you really believe you can still their worries by telling them to lean on you?

And what of saying you’ll take care of them? Do you honestly think that instills trust? Come on. They raised you. They know your own leanings as well as you. Good intentions are lovely, but will you really come through?

Let’s be honest: If you were old and growing older, would you trust YOU with the big questions? Then again, a little honest communication goes a long way. Maybe you know more than you look.

How do you fix aging parents?

You’re a fine one to ask, as broken as you are yourself. Do you think caring for them will put you back together? Hardly.

And you’ll be just as broken when they’re gone as before you started – more so because you’ll be carrying all the moments you never got to spend really getting to know and understand them.

It’s too bad, really. You would have liked them. Or, at least you would have finally known why you didn’t.

How do you fix aging parents?

You don’t. Your aging parents aren’t broken. A little old, maybe. A little tired and worried and scared . . but they’re certainly not broken. In fact, they’re probably more together than you are.

When it comes right down to it: If you think someone’s in need of fixing, look in the mirror.

Fix yourself. Fix the attitudes, and the beliefs, and the prejudices you wrap yourself in when it comes to your aging parents. And then when you’re done with that, move on and start fixing the relationship you have with them.

You’ll be amazed just how quickly they’ll come around.

Happy fixing.

Keep growing my friend,

Gail

BTW: Your aging parents aren’t perfect. You know that. So do I. They’re human. But then, so are you. Whatever fixes you’ve been looking for when it comes to your elderly parents should perhaps be tried first on the fixer (you) just to be sure. Hopefully then, you can stop fixing and get on with enjoying each other’s company – while there’s time to do that.

If you used to engage in fixing – or still do – please share your stories.

I truly enjoy hearing from you.

Tagged as: Aging, aging parents, caregiver, caring, communication, trust