Are you as tough on yourself – as unforgiving OF yourself – as I tend to be toward my self far too much of the time? Why is that, do you think?

I mean, it’s not like we’re hard core members in the world of evil doing sorts . . or are we?

Then again . . naaah.

And yet, I’ve done a lot of crappy things over the years. I’ve done a lot of things, and said a lot of things I’m not proud of. My conscience is full of nooks and crannies filled with old, stale shards of moldy guilt-like stuff.

Doesn’t that come with the territory we call aging? Or, more to the point: Doesn’t that come with the territory we call life?

Each new “mess up” – big or small – and we make life that much harder for ourselves by holding on to the hard . . nurturing it . . and refusing to let it go.

Each new mistake, misplaced word, or hurtful action, and we slam ourselves for yet another in our ongoing series of faults.

And we – you and I – have been doing these same things for how many years now . . building up the piles of our inner sense of horribleness?!

I mean, let’s be honest with ourselves: HOW COULD YOU I BE SO STUPID! not

(Sorry. I was secretly talking to me there. I’m sure you never say such horrible, nasty things to yourself, right?)

Not just that, though. Whatever the degree of “bad” we commit, we seem destined to keep reminding ourselves over and over again of what terrible people we are . . and how we deserve whatever equally terrible curse might befall us as a result.

Maybe it’s all the “Thou shalt not’s” we grew to embrace and internalize through the years.

You just have to love it, don’t you?

The BAD

But let’s think just for a second of the many times we do damage . . like:

Putting your  priorities above the physical/emotional needs of your aging parents;

Wasting fragile resources;

Stomping your children’s hopes, talents, and dreams to within a hair’s breath of their existence . . sometimes killing those same hopes, talents and dreams completely (for the best of reasons, of course); or

Running your own body and soul into the ground in the name of whatever image it is you carry of love, success, or perfection.

Then, let’s not forget whatever role it is you play in the ongoing saga of war, pestilence, and plague. After all, you DID vote for  . . you know . . and he/they are doing it (whatever IT is this time) in your name.

Oh yeah, big hairy guilt stuff.

Not to worry, though. We pay. We let all those things feed on us and suck us dry with the guilt we wrap them in. It’s all quite egalitarian . . and long term.

And don’t even try to forget, not that you could. Guilt’s one of those ever handy, always with you, sorts of things.

Just think for a moment:

How often in any 24 hour period do you tell yourself you’re an idiot for forgetting and making the same simple mistake as last time . . all over again?

How much blame do you still carry with you for being the child you were – the only child you knew how to be – for your poor, suffering parents?

And how weighted down are you under the years of simply being who you are . . but believing you’ve somehow failed to be the most perfect you you imagined you “should” have been?

Oh, you are hard on yourself.

What’s all that blame doing for you, by the way? How is it helping you to pile it ever higher year after year? (Hold that thought for just a moment, if you would. I’m shifting gears.)

The GOOD

And I want you to shift gears just a bit, too (Okay, so I’m asking a lot. Think of it as penance):

I have some New Questions - just to remind you you have a few redeeming qualities.

Do you tend to remember the good you do, 20 . . 37 . . 50 . . 1,438 times each day?  . . Probably more times than that when you tally up all the kind thoughts and compassionate words that wander through your head.

Can you imagine how often during any normal day you hold a door, smile at, or actually do something intentionally good for another person – or the world in general?

Do you have any idea how often you go out of your way to do things you don’t have to do (you know . . not-in-your-job-description-type things)?

Nope. Probably slips right by you. I mean, the good is simply what you expect of yourself. It’s part and parcel of how we like to define ourselves in the bigger picture of life, right?

- We rescue baby birds and lost dogs.

- We walk around the block with our elderly neighbors, because we’re neighbors and we care about their safety and enjoy their company.

- We participate in fund drives, and share our expertise in our communities and with local charities whose messages and efforts we support.

- We send our prayers to soldiers and victims of every disaster that strikes.

It’s just part of being part of something larger than ourselves, and doing what we can when we can. Nothing particularly special – except to those who receive the simple gifts we have to offer. But it adds up.

And yet, how often do you give yourself some inner thanks for the good stuff you think, say and do?

How often do you give some inner applause to your efforts in the name of making things better?

(I’m betting rarely, if ever, here . . but I’d love to be proven wrong.)

The thing is, though: We forget the good we do almost before we think to do it – most of the time. It’s just part of our humanity (a genetic flaw, perhaps, but a good one).

The FORGIVENESS Part

So there you are: We forget the good. We feed the guilt.

Now how on earth does that serve any higher purpose?!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting we should forget the guilt and feed the good. Well, actually, I AM saying we should feed the good . . but that’s not where I’m going here.

The way I see it, what you do with hurts and the guilt has a great deal to say about the overall quality of your life. (The good can only make it better. It’s all the other stuff that warrants our attention right now.)

My recommendation, then:  Forgive Yourself

I know, easier said than done.

Why is it, I wonder, that all the great religions call upon their followers to forgive – others. Yet they seem to forget the value in forgiving one’s self. Personally, I can’t think of anything more important. Until we’re able to forgive ourselves, how do we forgive another?

The call to forgive is a call to let go . . to set aside and move beyond the chill winds of old hurts and disappoints – those I inflict on myself as well as those that have attached themselves to me from outside.

Isn’t it just as important to free myself – yourself – from all the hurtful words, thoughts, beliefs, and labels we’ve piled on ourselves over the years, as it is to forgive the hurts we’ve let others give us?

Just think for a moment: If we treated anyone else the way we treat ourselves, we’d have no friends.

The challenge, then, is to learn to forgive ourselves.

The greater challenge is to learn to forgive ourselves frequently, over and over again.

And because it seems such an alien thing to do, let me start:

I Forgive Myself

I forgive myself for my lack of patience with me. No excuses.

I forgive myself for all the inner yelling and stomping of feet when my brain doesn’t give me the answers I think I’m looking for. And I forgive my brain for having other things on its mind when I think I’m looking for answers.

I forgive myself for not taking better care of me – all of me.

I forgive myself for sometimes letting me down when I so depend on me to hold me up.

I forgive myself for everything I did and didn’t do over the years that hurt, worried, and otherwise caused pain for my parents and others I love.

I forgive myself for the negative thoughts I’ve permitted to fill my mind and eat away at me regarding myself, other people, politics, finances, and the issues that affect my life.

I forgive myself for letting my body be my emotional battleground – and for all the battles I raged inside.

I forgive myself for not loving and believing in myself at least as much as I love and believe in others.

I forgive myself for judging rather than opening my eyes and my mind to look more deeply at what I am seeing.

I forgive myself for limiting my reach, and failing to touch more of life. Luckily, there’s still plenty of time to explore.

I forgive myself for failing to really listen to and pay at least as much attention to myself as I do to my dog.

I forgive myself for accepting the hurtful words and actions of others as being true and deserved. They are not. I forgive myself for letting the hurts happen, and not protecting me from them.

I forgive myself for all my interesting and sometimes “annoying” quirks and tendencies that reflect my unique humanness in the world. In other words: I forgive myself for being fully, imperfectly, human. (Then again, Human is the only species I know how to be.)

That’s probably enough for now. There are plenty more where those came from.

Now it’s your turn.

What do you think? How many ways can you forgive yourself?

Be well, and keep growing my friend,
Gail

©2010 Celebrate Aging. All Rights Reserved.

Today is my birthday.

No parades, other than lines of children braving the chill for custard at Whit’s, just like they always do.

No canon fire . . other than the raucous call of Canada geese heading back north, and a much softer serenade of local birds calling for spring.

Just a quiet recognition that another year has passed, and life continues to move forward in a somewhat irregular yet circular fashion.

Strange thing, though: Yesterday was very much the same. (Okay, by accounting standards I was a year younger. So?!)

The thing is, no shooting stars called me from my sleep in the middle of the night to foretell the turning of my years. And just like every other morning, I got up today from the same side of the bed, and stepped over my sleeping dog to reach the light.

Simple, ordinary, every day stuff.

Yet, this day is different. Since it’s my day, I get to create it down to the last measure. I can turn the whole thing into a celebration of all the people and experiences who have added meaning to my life. Or, if I so choose, I can embrace its quiet side . . and wrap it round me like a newborn’s first soft blanket.

Personally, I’m leaning toward all of the above. A quiet celebration of time, friendship, and love. Would that all days might carry so many openings and opportunities. (I know. I know. They do. Sometimes I’m just too far down the rabbit hole to recognize it.)

Presents. For YOU!

So, in honor of my day, I have gifts for you.

(Aren’t birthdays just the coolest things ever? I get to give gifts!)

And these aren’t just any gifts. These are gifts of thought and learning.  These are gifts of introduction to some friends of mine – some blogs with whom I spend time. I hope you’ll like them as much as I do.

Here you go. They’re all for you.

You’re welcome to rip their wrappings off and hang their bows over your ears if you like. Personally, I’d take my time, and savor them one by one.

First, Ken Robert, the creative genius at Mildly Creative, wrote a great post on legacy (totally midlife!). I don’t always agree with what Ken has to say, but I’m rarely bored. Besides, his drawings are thoroughly great!

Next, Charles Leadbeater, from The School Of Life, wrote a very thought-provoking piece on “Perspective”. It’s short, but it hits several hot buttons right where we live. From old age and what it takes to make a good life, to the need for changing the way we look at life’s end, this is a quick read that I certainly think is worth the thought and time.

Finally, something easy . . dessert. The Mindfulist. Gwen Bell’s and Patrick Reynolds‘ daily posts on this blog are short and sweet. They’re also thoughtful, to the point, and a total challenge to complete. (That’s the wisdom part.) Oh, did I forget to say this blog consists of a whole year’s worth of daily opportunities to become more mindful in our approach to life? Consider it said. Enjoy.

So, there you are . . one gift . . three very different calls to stretch your challenge muscles, and to grow in your thinking.

I hope you enjoy my birthday as much as I do.

Gotta go now . . cake and ice cream custard call.

Keep growing my friend,
Gail

©2010 Celebrate Aging. All Rights Reserved.

(A bit of a rant. A bit of a nudge. A bit of play on what keeps you stuck in your corner when all your big midlife intentions are telling you to go out and save the world. And a couple small strategies for saving your inner and outer worlds.)

World Saving. Whew! War. Famine. Natural Disaster. Disease. Governmental Foolishness. Financial Breakdowns. Climate Change. Health Insurance. Energy. Anti-Aging. Big stuff. Sounds complicated.

At YOUR age?

In YOUR condition?

With YOUR limited (financial, emotional, material, inner, and so on) resources?

And let’s not even mention your attitude. Speaking of which . . Who in their right mind would let you get near any vulnerable worlds worth saving?! (Just kidding. Sort of.)

The thing is: If you read this blog on a regular basis, you probably already know my thoughts on world saving.

There’s actually nothing wrong with it, aside from the size of the bite it demands of those bent on the act.

You see, my mother taught me from a very early age that “a lady takes small bites.”

She also, of course, taught me to iron my father’s boxer shorts.  . . It pays to question.

World Saving? Way too big to even start wrapping my mouth around.

Then again, that’s my stuff.

What about you?

What’s Getting In YOUR Way?

What seems to be the problem?

What’s getting in YOUR way?

Why haven’t YOU started?

Is it one of those “heart being willing, but nothing else is stepping up to the plate” sorts of things?

It’s understandable. Like I said, world saving is big stuff. One world. So much in need of your help. It’s hard to know what really warrants your time and energy.

I mean, what do you tackle first? Do you throw your bountiful net around the whole big spinning ball, and go with what you catch? (A kind of dizzying haphazard, if interesting, approach.)

Or is health care, bullying, or the world’s shrinking drinkable water supply enough to fill your plate glass at least half full . . empty . . full?

Or, are even THOSE individual problems too big? I mean, after all . . I thought you wanted to save the world.

How small are you willing to go before the immensity of your effort just isn’t there? We ARE going for BIG, right?

Think for a moment: What’s REALLY getting your way?

Maybe world saving really isn’t your “thing”. It’s easy to get caught up in the BIG of stuff. And the media has a tendency to magnify, color, and confuse the issues that catch our attention, doesn’t it?

It’s not hard to imagine why the heart keeps raising its hand when the call goes out. We want to feel needed. We want to contribute. We want to make a difference for someone – anyone.

In the bigger picture of things, your life and mine are heaven compared to those of the starving children and sick/injured/war-torn souls on the television screen. And it’s hard to ignore the fact that the icebergs are melting, while you’re safe inside in front of a roaring fire with marshmallows. (Yep, I get the irony.)

Are You Sure YOU Aren’t Getting In Your Way?

Except all those someones and icebergs are out there – external to where you do your living. When you turn off the television, or put down the newspaper, it’s YOUR stuff you still have to face. It’s YOUR stuff getting in your way.

It’s you feeling frustrated and unhappy with your STUFF, but doing nothing to change it, that makes it so easy to focus on everything else that’s happening in the world.

So, you say you want to save the world? Your heart aches for everyone and everything you imagine to need your help? SO?!

What part of all the HARD in YOUR life isn’t your heart getting?! (No big flashy news stories. Just your HARD demanding your attention.)

It could be some of that arterial plaque-type stuff is clogging the heart/HARD connection. You’re no spring chicken, after all. Or maybe you’ve just gotten really good at ignoring your needs in favor of everyone else’s.

It can be tough for one person – YOU – to figure your where your energy might best serve, can’t it? I know. The boxer shorts pile is so big . . and you’re just a little kid with an iron.

But what if it didn’t have to be?

What if world saving didn’t demand as much as you imagine it does? What if you’re getting stuck in the bigness of it all, when that’s not the issue?

What if the HARD in your life and the BIG in the world could reach a compromise – something workable and helpful at the same time?

What if you have more options than you realize?

Now I’m not saying I have all the answers. I might have a couple, though. (I’m sure there are many others. But if right now you don’t have even one, a couple can be just what you’re looking for . . so I’m going to share mine.)

A Couple Simple World Saving Thoughts

1. Put Your Own Air Mask On First

What if, rather than setting out to save the great big gangly ball of a world, you put your energy toward something a bit smaller and more manageable?

What if you decided to “save” – or at least to create some order in – your own inner world?

I know, scary stuff in your inner world. But if world peace depended on it, you’d go inside and chat with the big scary, right? So do that. What could it hurt?

You might surprise yourself and end up a little happier, too. And, happiness rubs off. It’s a fact.

And what if, by making peace with your inner world, the outer world became a little more peaceful too?

Stranger things have happened.

2. World Saving Is Bigger Than One Person

What if the one thing required to save the world, was that you stopped trying to do it alone?

What if true world saving demanded a group effort?

And not just a group effort, but an effort of such dimensions and magnitude that the group include everyone – even those you rail against . . each doing just one thing, the one thing he or she alone knows how to do with such delicacy, precision and love that no one else could compare?

And what if, by each person – together – doing their own thing, life got getter for everyone and everything. (Okay, maybe I’m dreaming here, but just go with it!)

Would you be willing if you could stop judging yourself and everyone else, and you didn’t know you could fail?

The world doesn’t care. It will keep spinning regardless of what you or I do to “fix” its ills. It will keep spinning if you or I do nothing but work on ourselves and see what rubs off. If you have a midlife itch to save it, go for it. Just ask some friends along for the joy of it.

So, about this world saving thing. Here’s the way I see it:

Get a little happier in your inner world.

Connect with others in your outer world.

Whatever you decide to do or not, just go about it with a positive intention, and things will happen.

What do YOU think, though, when it comes to inner and outer world saving-type stuff? Are you a world saver at heart? How do you balance your inner needs against those of the big picture? Who do you care for first? How do you make sure your needs for love and sustenance aren’t taking a back seat to those that keep drawing our attention? Please share your thoughts.

Keep growing my friend,
Gail

©2010 Celebrate Aging. All Rights Reserved.

Between Climate Change and the Change of Live, everything in our midlife world is change. That seems fairly straight-forward, right?

Change: movement, flowing, ever shifting, subtle, powerful, multi-directional, all-encompassing, life itself.

Change.

Okay, so the two topics aren’t usually discussed in the same breath. And, if we’re being perfectly honest with ourselves, it’s kind of important to admit that there’s just the tiniest bit of difference between the two when it comes to their impact on the total of human life and long term quality of life issues.

(Then again, as a middle-aged woman who spent several years as an active participant in that second change, let me just suggest that no one had best dare tell me about impact – or it’s lack – and the qualities of life it rides rodeo over . . unless that same little change has awakened THEM in the middle of the night.) Let’s just agree that part’s a woman thing.

How ever you want to parse it, however, from the perspective of life as we midlife women currently know and experience it, climate change and the change of life (menopause, to be precise), are two of the most inter-connected of the often discussed topics around.

Check the magazines. Check blog posts. Check the coffee shops and locker rooms. Hot buttons, so to speak . . sometimes hotter than others.

And each carries with it a whole mess of beliefs, attitudes, and opinions, formed from odd mixes of science, rumor, and the latest in media/advertising/socio-religious passions.

What are we to believe? How are we to respond?

One issue is so big, and the other . . so personal.

Is there a connection – however obtuse – that we can wrap our minds around? Is there something that makes them more alike than different?

I think there is. Then again, I tend to think most – if not all – things are connected. Why would these be any different?

(Okay, I’m going out on a very thin limb here. Just humor me.)

Climate Change vs. THE Change

Cold fronts.

Hot fronts.

High winds.

Storms.

Unpredictable.

Emotion-charged.

Long term.

Insignificant.

All encompassing.

Natural.

“Man”-made.

Parched.

Release.

Creating structural instabilities.

Fire.

Flood.

Melting.

Cosmetic shifts.

Paradigm shifts.

Underlying questions.

Powerful.

Weakening.

Opportunity.

Fueled by change.

Do you notice anything here – like how each of these words or phrases works equally well for each of the two terms?

Don’t you just love it when a point comes together!

Oh, that’s right: The Point of all this. There is one. (There’s always at least one.)

CHANGE!

The only constant we’re guaranteed in life is change. It doesn’t matter to what other word we attach it, it’s all change.

We get to choose what it means to us, and how we deal with it. We get to choose if it becomes a curse in our lives, or an opportunity.

And once we choose, we get to take responsibility for what we do next.

Climate change and Change of life . . What would either be without change?

Climate. Life. Each is constantly changing.

Hard. Soft. We get to choose.

Choose well my friend. Choose well.

And while you’re choosing, just keep growing,

Gail

©2010 Celebrate Aging. All Rights Reserved.

When you live in a hollow
In a hole
In a tree,
And the world that you know
Is the world that you see,
And you hear,
And you smell,
And you feel so free.
But yet, still you wonder,
What more could there be.

So you journey.

You travel. You wander. You flee
From the things that you know
And the things that you see,
And all you reject of your life in that tree.
Where the roots sink so deep,
And your dreams fly so free.
Now you’ve crossed the world over
Two times, even three.
But when life brings you back,
You come back to that tree.

What’s this!

“I say this can’t be!”,
You decree.
There is something quite wrong here!
This cannot be my tree!
Why, I left it behind my behind,
Don’t you see?
And I traveled so far.
Check the map. This can’t be!
I’ve grown so much wiser.
This old tree can’t hold me!

And the map smiled (as our inner maps are prone to do),

Just a bit knowingly.
For it knew what you couldn’t
Till you’d gone and returned.
It knew what you didn’t,
What you hadn’t yet learned.
That where ever you travel,
Or wander or flee,
Where ever you go,
And whoever you be,
Whatever your journey, you go inside your tree.

There’s a flexibility to trees we midlife sorts often don’t have. (Trees bend.)

All the places you land
Come full circle, you see.
Just as life comes full circle
For you and for me,
And for all that we know,
And for all that we see,
And we hear,
And we smell,
Is but mapped memory
That daily redraws us in our inner tree.

That means we’re constantly recreating ourselves, and re-emerging. (New.)

You may run.
You may hide.
You may curse what you see
And you hear,
And you smell,
but your tree is your tree.
In a hole in a hollow,
Like no other you’ll find,
Your tree spreads its branches
Your tree shapes your mind.

I’d thank it if I were you. Not everyone has as great a tree as you. (Just a suggestion.)

Keep growing my friend,

Gail

©2010 Celebrate Aging. All Rights Reserved.

I just realized that a month or so ago marked the 10th anniversary of my father’s passing. Now I realize things get busy, and it’s been 10 years, but he was my dad.

Kind of gives the old sentiment, “How quickly we forget” new meaning. Sorry Dad.

The thing is, when I think back to those days a decade ago, what I remember above all else is not what you’d imagine.

What I most remember was that given all he’d done in his life . . hardly anyone was there for my father’s funeral.

Of all the many people he’d known . . the many people his life had touched . . only a meager handful came to the funeral home. The emptiness of that place was eerie . . so sad.

Of course, of the friends he had left, some weren’t well.

Some didn’t know.

Some had forgotten.

It’s hard to blame them. After all, he’d been sick and out of their lives for over two years.

Still, it seemed more than a little sad standing there in that big empty funeral home with my mother and brother – and my brother’s family – waiting for people who remembered my dad to come and say goodbye. Hardly anyone came.

Sometimes We Just Forget

People forget.

When they have to work to remember, they just forget.

Of those who did stop by, most were my mother’s friends. They came for her . . to support her . . just as she’d supported them over the years through deaths of parents, husbands, and children . . and illnesses and losses of every sort.

They came for her because they’d been part of her experience – a sisterhood, the soul-saving part – in dealing with my father’s illness. They came because they were family as much as family was family.

For my mother’s friends, it wasn’t about remembering my dad so much as it was about letting my mother know they wouldn’t forget HER. They were there for her as no one else could be – not even my brother nor I – since the history they shared with her was one of memories and experiences my brother and I didn’t have. (The fact is: Some of them knew my dad better than I ever did – or would.)

They were there because everyone knew we kids would eventually go back to our lives . . but my mother could never go back to anything she’d known before. They were there because they knew she would have to learn to go forward “alone”. And they knew it wouldn’t be easy.

It wasn’t.

What We Remember, What We Forget

Some forgetting is harder than others. Some memories slip through the fingers like a breeze through the silken threads of a spider’s web. Who’s to say which ones we keep, or why.

Time passes. People forget. I forget. (Obviously.)

It isn’t work for me to remember my dad, but I forgot. Ten years, and I forgot. Just 10 years.

What does that say about me? Not much.

Life goes on.

My father and I had a tumultuous history. We were too much alike. We were too different from one another. It doesn’t matter the reasons.

The hard part is that we really never knew one another. Oh sure, we knew how to get on each other’s nerves. And I was born with his sweet tooth. But, we didn’t know one another.

We didn’t know how to talk with each other. One or the other of us always seemed to push a button, and then we’d be off. Things we wanted to say seemed far too often to get lost in translation. And the translation was rarely a good one.

When I look back, I guess I could spend my time feeling guilty for my part that play – or angry for my dad’s. That hardly makes any sense now, though.

In the end, all we are are memories in the minds of those we left behind.

The cool part is that I get to choose which memories to hold on to and which to discard. We all do.

The way I see it: What I choose to forget simply isn’t worth keeping. It’s not worth the effort it takes to keep pushing it away.

What I remember . . what I will always remember . . is that I loved my dad.

I love that he let me be the tomboy I was.

I love that he gave me the freedom to follow my own paths, even though I know he’d have preferred I took different ones.

I love that he loved and was devoted to my mom, and that he never once sought to hold her or her dreams back.

Time passes. In 20 years, who knows how much else I will probably have forgotten about my father.

I can accept that. It’s okay.

In the end, I have to believe that I will remember what’s important for me to remember about my father. He was a man. He wasn’t perfect. He did the best he could given the daughter he got (no slim feat, by a long shot!). And I loved him.

.   .   .   .   .

Memory can be a harsh judge, if we let it. It can also take a toll on us if we let its control over us grow and keep us in the past rather than watching over it and guiding it from the present.

How do you choose to remember parents or others who had a significant influence in your life?

What do you hold on to? What have you given yourself permission to forget?

Please share your thoughts and stories. I love hearing from you.

Keep growing my friend,

Gail

©2010 Celebrate Aging. All Rights Reserved.

Who or what do you believe is doing the dirty deed of aging you? Family? Life? Circumstances? Politics? All of the above?

It happens.

Somewhere around the middle of life, things start happening that make us feel older than we want to believe we are. You know the things I mean. We all know the things I mean.

Little things.

Big things.

Things we keep to ourselves, but wonder who else notices.

Aches and pains that have no business annoying our once pristine bodies.

Those same once pristine bodies . . no longer quite so pristine as we once imagined. A little less elastic. A little more lined. Different look. Different feel. Still ours.

Losses. Illness. The death of a parent. Reminders of our own frailty, our own mortality.

A mailed invitation to join AARP. The gall of those people!

You get the drift.

Without so much as a smirk in our direction, they happen. And pretty soon, if we aren’t careful, we start believing them, don’t we?

And if we’re too busy looking the other way to pay attention, we start to feel like something is aging us – without our permission – before our very own eyes!

It seems like the lines of a bad movie, but there we are . . not old, but not nearly so sure of ourselves as we were in youth.

Control. Aren’t we supposed to be the ones in control of things?

What’s happening here? What’s going on!

Oh come on now. You’re smarter than that.

Beliefs Are In A Conspiracy With Time

What’s going on is that, at some point, more years lie behind you than ahead. You aren’t so young as you once were. Neither am I.

But that’s just time, right? Why do we give so much power to time? Why do we let time age us? We’re more than time would have us think, aren’t we?

Then again, is time really what you think is aging you? Or is it the lack of time . . the lessening of time . . the lessening of the time you believe you have left?

And so what if it is? What might that mean to you? And what effect might your response to the lessening of your time have on how others respond to you – how others age you?

Think back a little, if you would. Think back to your youth, and remember how those in their middle years looked at us. What do you remember seeing in their eyes as they compared our youth to their middle years . . as they blamed us for aging them?

In some ways, very little has changed.

Young people see it even if you refuse to. They not only see it, they know how to use it . . just as we used to.

It’s in the disregard they show you. Not ignoring. Just not paying attention.

It’s in the way they raise their voices when they talk to you – even though you can hear them perfectly well at their normal volume. Or can you? Are you somehow less if you can’t?

You compensate well, but perhaps not that well.

It’s in what you believe about them . . the world . . and your relationship to them and the world . . and how you treat them and the world.

It’s in what you believe about yourself, now . . the judgments . . the attitudes . . the beliefs that no longer hold up to the light of day as well as they once did. Then again, maybe you just see them differently now. Maybe you’re starting to realize that they never really held up to the light of day at all.

It’s in all the things you were once so sure of, that no longer seem so certain. Other things have taken their place, haven’t they? A worry. A fear of what may lie ahead.

When did you become so insecure about . . everything? When did those insecurities begin to age you?

When did your own beliefs begin to age you?

You know what I’m talking about:

All those beliefs you’re carrying around about how much you resemble your mother and her father in not the best ways . .

And how that can never change . . just as . .

Looking back . . you can remember thinking that certain relationships, jobs, financial involvements were doomed to failure for whatever reasons you cooked up – and so they did fail, just like you believed they would . .

And that crap about how you just weren’t meant to be happy . . so why bother.

Sure. Right.

When did you stop trusting yourself to know what was best for you? When did you start believing others knew better – about you – than you?

When did you give up control? And why are you now complaining because someone else has more of it than you . . unless, of course, you like things the way they are?

Midlife is a crazy time.

Everything’s shifting positions on you. Beliefs you once felt so comfortable holding, now seem to back you into corners you didn’t even realize were there. I know. It’s happening to me as well.

So what do you do?

Take Back Control of Your Beliefs

Well, let me just suggest something for you to consider:

If a belief isn’t serving you, STOP believing it.

It really IS that simple.

We believe things about ourselves and others and the rest of the world for very good reason . . mostly to protect us in one way or other.

There comes a time, though, when we no longer need the protection. There comes a time when the protection does us more harm than good.

There comes a time when it’s time to STOP believing in everybody else’s stuff, and remember that your beliefs are your own. You get to choose what and who to believe . . as well as what and who to believe in.

So far as I’m concerned, any belief you hold that gives someone else or something else the power to make you feel less in control of your life than you know you are – that gives them the power to “age you” – is long past due for being dropped like the sad potato it is.

If a belief isn’t serving you, STOP believing it.

It really IS that simple.

Of course, you’re welcome to take it or leave it . . whatever you believe is best for you.

.   .   .   .   .

What beliefs are tripping up your midlife? Who, or what, are you blaming for the havoc they’re wreaking? What are you going to do about that? I’d love to hear from you.

Keep growing my friend,
Gail

©2010 Celebrate Aging. All Rights Reserved.

February, 2010, seems to be filled with the stuff of letting go of stuff – which is a good thing because 2009 was a year thoroughly over-filled with stuff, at least in my opinion.

Of course, letting go does create spaces for more stuff . . but let’s save that part of the equation for another time.

Stuff. My stuff. Your stuff. Their stuff. The stuff of politics, world affairs, religion. Family stuff. Community stuff. Wanting stuff. Needing stuff. Judging ourselves and everything else based on stuff.  Anger stuff. The stuff of big banks and little portfolios . . Belly-up stuff. High stress stuff. Health care stuff. Inside stuff. Lost in transition stuff. Old romance stuff. Memory stuff. Guilt stuff. Tired and fed up stuff.

Just way too much (stuff), don’t you think?

But it piles on, doesn’t it. It piles. We accumulate. And as the days and years go by, stuff seems to overtake our lives. In fact, if we let it, the stuff we love and hate and do our best to tolerate can completely drown out our sense of who we are in the world. And that’s just not healthy.

The Power We Give To STUFF

Stuff. It seems so innocuous at first glance. You kind of have to wonder how it gains so much power over us.

I mean, just think of it: We’ve actually been known to go to war over STUFF! Mostly ideology stuff, but STUFF none the less.

Stuff. We compete for it. We begrudge our lack of it, and judge ourselves and our accomplishments on our ability to acquire it.

In some cultures, a woman’s value is determined by it. (Talk about the depths of the ridiculous!)

Really, think of it. People from foreign lands risk their lives to get here, so they can have just as much stuff as we do. And most of the stuff that we have and they want is from somewhere else. And that’s just the physical side of stuff!

And we all do it. We do it to ourselves and to each other. We’ve built a whole culture on the accumulation and consumption and waste – of stuff.

I sometimes wonder if we see ourselves reflected in our stuff . . or if the only way we CAN see ourselves is in our stuff. If so, it can’t be a very pretty picture . . kind of gappy and incomplete. And if that’s how we see ourselves, how are we to see anyone or anything else clearly?!

There too, if our picture of ourselves and everyone and everything else is filled with holes, I wonder if our perspective of the world is so fogged up with stuff that we don’t really see the world at all. Or, if we do see it, it’s through that same incomplete lens.

World? What world?

Let’s face it: Stuff can really distort one’s picture of reality.

No wonder things are such a mess!

That’s not to say I’ve not been an accumulator off and on over the years. Stuff is hard to avoid. And, accumulation is a national past time.

Guess I’ve moved often enough to lose fascination with most of the stuff people like to haul around, however. Either that, or I’ve hauled my piles of stuff around often enough to recognize when enough stuff is enough.

Oh, but I’ve accumulated other – more inner directed – stuff over the years . . much of it not all that great for my long term well-being. (That’s the kind of stuff I’m focusing on letting go now.)

You too? It happens without our even trying. In fact, it happens in spite of our trying.

Stuff: It’s Counter-Intuitive To Good Health

One minute we’re born – pure as the driven snow – stuff-free. The next, we’re filled to the gills with judgments, beliefs, thoughts and assumptions – STUFF – that do far more to tear us down than to support us. And we hold our stuff up against everyone else’s, and dare them to blow our house of stuff down.

Totally counter-intuitive for a healthy life.

What do you imagine might happen, though, if bit by itty-bit we started peeling off the inner layers and the outer hangers-on of stuff? After all, they’re just stuff.

What  – or who -do you think we might find hiding under all that stuff? Could be kind of interesting to experience our lives “un-stuffed, don’t you think?

I mean, at the very least, we’d end up with great big smarmy piles of stuff we no longer need . . and much tidier and less stressed lives that we do.

Stuff Yard Sale!

After all, my stuff is obviously more impressive, important, and valuable than yours, right?

Oooo, or we could trade stuff.

Then again, some stuff is more inner bonfire material than outer exchange. And some is best left behind for human nature to deal with.

What do you say? Is your stuff taking up too much room in your life for your life to breathe?

Is too much stuff piled on the stuff of your hopes and dreams?

Isn’t it time to let some stuff go?

Tell you what: I don’t want to push you into something you may not be ready for. Would it help to have a couple other opinions on stuff?

This week, people – bloggers – are starting to talk about the stuff of letting go of some of the stuff. Here are two I respect that you might want to check out.

Ronni Bennet’s decided to move from Portland to Portland, which means she’s looking to unload a serious quantity of stuff. After all, what’s the sense of hauling unnecessary stuff the whole way across country. (I’ve done that. Not only is it expensive at the front end, the unpacking and rearranging of stuff you could just as easily have left behind can be maddening.)

And over at Goodlife Zen, guest poster Tony Teegarden has turned “stuff” into the name for STUFF! And that’s 20 times bigger than stuff all by itself. He’s gotten all heady about it, and made S.T.U.F.F. downright memorable.

So check those two posts out, and see what you think. Personally, I think they’re both full of great STUFF!

.   .   .   .   .

I’d love to hear your stories of stuff, and how you’re creating a life without its being such a major influence. Let me know how you’re doing in your relationship with stuff – both the inner and the outer versions.

And, keep growing my friend,

Gail

©2010 Celebrate Aging. All Rights Reserved.

Midlife is an odd point in time . . mostly because it really isn’t a point in time at all.

Actually, in my picture of the world, midlife is a whole big old gangly glob of time and space. And because it goes on for so long, it’s kind of easy to get lost in its many tunnels and turnstiles.

I know, because I manage to get lost quite often. I guess tunnels and turnstiles were never my thing. Not that “lost” is necessarily bad, of course . . .

But what about you? Does your midlife seem to go out of its way to make you just a little crazy? Do its once interesting quirks now seem to set you on edge . . unlike the “simpler life” of your younger days of kids, work – starchy clean newness?

Then again: Are you sure all your current worries and stresses are REALLY the fault of that crazy, over-booked under-rested hair going gray world-weary midlife you and others have been known to wrap you in?

Trouble With Your Midlife Map?

Is it possible that there might be another cause or 2 for what’s going on . . like maybe . . your midlife map is upside down, or a little ketchup-stained wine-stained?

MAP?! “What map?!” you say.

You didn’t realize midlife came with its own map? Well, how on earth have you been getting around all these years? We both know you haven’t spent your midlife asking for directions, right?

Tell you what: Let’s just check a couple of things out to see where you and that map of yours might be crossing paths – or missing each other entirely.

Do you get lost every few years trying to find your way into and around your life’s Purpose? If purpose escapes you, you need the map. At the very least, you could probably use a good picture of where you’ve been and how things look where you are now. You DO know where you are now, right?

Do you have difficulty keeping track of yourself in the meandering streets of Meaning? (Winding through meaningless parking lots in the land of Midlife can be murder!) Meaning . . purpose . . It can all just get so confusing when the map’s out of sync with the direction you want your life to go.

Does Authenticity-Town seem to get some perverse kick out of constantly changing its street names – without advance warning? Ahh, yes. Authenticity. You have to stay on top of it all the time, don’t you . . unless, of course, you already know who you are.

Or, is it that ever-expanding mirage in Letting-Go-burg that has you so twisted and tied in knots? Letting go indeed. Is it a matter of consciously letting go, or of no longer trying so hard to hold on . . and to what? Children grow up and leave. Old friends disappear. Aging parents die.

Our childhood dreams of the “perfect life” seem to change without so much as asking our permission.

Power. Connection. Control. Nothing remains as it once seemed. Midlife is full to the brim of letting go.

(I can see how you’d get lost in a place like that.)

Here a map. There a map.

Hmmm . . Maybe you didn’t get a map after all. Strange, but I guess that sometimes happens.

Then again: Maybe your maps are simply out of date. You know the ones I mean. Those maps you carry around inside your head and your body, to get you where you think you want to go.

Yep, those are the ones. When was the last time you re-drew those babies?

When was the last time you checked to see if some held directions to places you no longer wanted – or needed – to visit? (Don’t tell me you’re still carrying your parents’ maps in your head? Those don’t even have your name on them. No wonder you’re lost!)

And when was the last time you tossed away the maps containing memories you’d moved beyond? (Don’t go saying you’re holding on to them because you might some day want to revisit whatever that place once was you and your first love had that little thing of yours.)

If it’s time to let go of a memory, it’s time to let the whole thing go – for good.

You know the adage: If the memory isn’t feeding your soul, it’s sucking the life out of it. (Okay, I just came up with that one, but it could some day be an old adage.)

What you have to remember is that our maps are constantly changing – being redrawn. It’s part of the package that comes with life.

And we have to keep up with the package. That’s part of the deal!

The thing is: We get into trouble when our inner maps conflict with our outer maps – when the picture of life we’re carrying around in our heads, doesn’t match the outer reality of the life we’re living.

I don’t think it’s fatal, but it can be troublesome.

The old maps we insist on carrying around with us can come from many places – often not the best, or the best for us, places in our lives. But until we learn to redraw them, we’re stuck with them. And that can cause us problems.

For instance, do any of your midlife maps contain:

> Childhood fairytale worlds that you might have created to cover over harder realities back when you were a kid?

> Old worn out beliefs about the world, and your place in that world?

> Hurts, slights, inner pains of whatever source that you keep nearby to remind you not to trust yourself, or anyone else too much?

> Judgments for and against yourself . . How else are you to know where you stack up against everyone you think you’re competing against? How else are you to know where you fall down?

> All the heartbreaks and losses you’ve suffered over the years? (Tell me . . what does holding on to these do for you, exactly?)

> Misunderstandings and “imagined failures” that still haunt you in the dark of night?

> Dreams you had for your children, who seemed to have their own other dreams . . or simply rejected yours because they were your dreams rather than theirs? Were those dreams really for your children? Or were they yours all along? (You still have plenty of time to go after them, you know.)

> Emptiness, loneliness . . all those things that tell you you’ve somehow failed if you’re alone, divorced, widowed, alone? Except we both know there’s no failure in being alone – whatever the reason. And the emptiness and loneliness truly aren’t by-products of “alone”.

Maps. Aren’t they great?!

The thing is: We create them. We get to change them.

We get to redraw our inner maps over and over again with each breath we take, to reflect the strong, resilient midlife adults we continue to be and become.

Sure we have flaws. We’re human. Our maps show us where they are, but we get to choose to live in the flaws . . or to grow beyond them.

Personally, I choose to keep growing. How about you?

Plant your midlife garden well my friend. And as each new understanding comes up, map it well. If it fails to serve your purpose somewhere down the road, redraw the map with new growth and new understanding. It’s a never-ending job.

It’s a never-ending joy!

May your midlife garden be filled with new growth. And may your maps always show you the way.

Keep growing my friend,

Gail

©2010 Celebrate Aging. All Rights Reserved.

How many times each day would you guess you say the word “NO”?

And I don’t just mean how many times do you say “NO” to other people. (I’m betting that isn’t even a smudge of the total on you inner blackboard . . a humongous smudge, but a smudge none the less.)

BTW: Did you count how many times I said it in that last paragraph? 4 Times! And I wasn’t even trying.

What I want you to consider is: In addition to the “No’s” you give to other people, how often do you use the “N” word to curb your own enthusiasm in the brief span of 24 hours?

Silently.

Out loud.

Repeatedly . . no no no no no no NO!

Just a shake of the head in the privacy of your own space.

Or hurled into the bowels of the earth with a force only to be imagined.

Really. How many?

Bet you hadn’t much thought about it before, had you?

Word has it that “No” is the first word out of the mouths of babes. I guarantee it’s the one parents hear most often.

No. Nope. Nada. Nyet. Non. (You get the picture.)

This is obviously a much bigger word than it appears. I mean, an entire movie was made about it – with real actors. It wasn’t that great a movie . . but it WAS a movie! Go figure.

Okay, so we can agree that “NO” sits in a pretty high seat in most of our worlds. Now, just for a moment, let’s expand upon it.

Just for a moment, consider how often during the day you don’t exactly say “NO” . . but you sort of say it . . or you sort of think it . . or you sort of roll your thoughts around in it. (Strange how every time you do that, you end up not following the thoughts, right? Or, at the very least, they seem so much less possible than they did at the start. Oh well.)

It Is So Much More Than “NO”!

How often do the following words or phrases escape from your lips, your eyes, and your mental imaginings to limit your world:

Maybe not;

Never;

When pigs – or other barnyard animals – fly;

Not . . Not really . . Not so much;

I don’t think so . . Don’t even ask;

I can’t, and you can’t make me;

I won’t;

I shouldn’t

It wouldn’t be right if I;

I just couldn’t;

Not ever;

Negatory;

I don’t want to;

There is nothing that could convince me;

Hardly;

Negative;

No one;

Neither . . nor;

But;

Except;

And finally: STOP!

I’m willing to bet you can come up with more. I’m willing to bet I can, too, if I were to give the exercise more than the perfunctory couple minutes that spun themselves into this pile.

But you see what I mean, don’t you? NO is an ever-present part of our lives. Heaven forbid, it governs our lives!

When you look at all the rules and laws ever written to guide right livelihood in a family or community, it’s one thing after another after another of what’s not acceptable and what’s not permitted . . and how not to live.

The thing is: What if it weren’t?

What if “NO” and all its many brothers and sisters became forbidden words in your vocabulary? Or, at least, what if they became unwelcome words?

What if you were to decide right here and now to step away from the “N” word? Even just on a trial basis.

Do you think you could do it? Do you believe you could do it?

Would you be willing to give it a try . . just for an hour, maybe? Or, just for a day? Or
two?

Better Think Before You Go All Affirmative

Then again . .Wait wait wait wait wait wait . . . . . Let’s not leap before we consider what we’re really up to – and against.

Let’s not go all affirmative before weighing the consequences.

I mean, what did “NO” ever do to you?!

It’s not like your love affair with the “N” word lost you the love of your life, or your dream job, or anything of substance, right?

It’s not like wrapping yourself in “NO’s” ever cut off your ability to experience the joys of life, right?

It’s not like “NO” clouds your picture of the world, right?

Of course, if it did, how would you know . . sitting in all that dark soup, with a hood pulled over your head?!

Yep, it is a quandary.

To NO, or not to NO: That is the question of living life full out, or letting our fears and worries dictate the choices we make. I have to wonder, given how deeply the negative is ingrained in each of us, what it might take for you to turn your back and step away from “NO”.

How high does the cost have to be for you to shake that cold negative hand from your shoulder? Might your health be worth it? What about your happiness . . your overall well-being . . would those be worth it?

Seriously, what would it take for you to step away from NO?

I’ll tell you what: I’m going to commit right here and now to taking a step back – or forward – from the “N” word. Just a baby step to start . . say, this coming weekend.

That’s it!

This weekend – February 6 & 7 – I will officially clear the negatives from my plate and live in the positive!

(As much as humanly possible. They ARE calling for a major snow storm, and my love affair with winter has been seriously strained this year.) I intend to do my best, and see what happens.

How about you? Can I count on you to join me in this dance? It’s going to be great fun! Besides, what do you have to lose – aside from a little negativity? It might even be healthy.

Come on. Join with me in this. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Keep growing my friend,

Gail

©2010 Celebrate Aging. All Rights Reserved.